There’s not enough light coming through my bedroom window. I pull the blinds open and look out on my back yard and see Titan, our half-Black Lab half-German Shepherd, staring up at me from the ground below. His face reads mine as he tilts his head to the side as if to say, “What’s the matter?”
I stand at the foot of my bed and stare out to the mess on my bed, the floor, the dressers, and even on my lamp. There’s so much dust there that I wonder how it doesn’t just slide off like an avalanche and choke me while I’m sleeping. The clutter is overwhelmingly uncomfortable and causes a stir of anxiety within my chest. I’m almost panting as it is, sucking in snot and wiping away tears, so this subtle pain above my heart from the pressure begging to be released is almost suffocating.
I place my head in my hands as I sob uncontrollably. Eventually I find myself curled up against the bed rail, head tucked into chest, before I fall asleep.
Once I wake up, I can’t recall why I was so upset. I still feel empty inside, only now the despairing feeling I had earlier is gone and my muscles ache, almost like I had just finished an hour or so at Zumba. I’m confused as to what I should be doing. Do I need to change my clothes? Make a sandwich? Did I forget something? I stay in this worrisome state for about twenty minutes before I finally decide to do something productive. But when I start, I quickly realize I’m taking on too big of a task, even if it is something as simple as putting a load of clothes in the wash. I make my way to the couch, turn to my side, and flip the TV on.
This is every day.
When I tell someone I feel depressed, the go-to reaction is for them to say things like, “But you have so much to be thankful for!” and “Just focus on good things.” … shit like that. What they don’t understand is that I do focus on the good things, but my mind can’t shove the negatives to the side. Even if it isn’t really a negative, my mind views it that way. No amount of exercise or eating right changes that feeling. Bubble baths don’t soothe my soul like they once did, as the only thing I can focus on while I’m soaking is what all I have to do when I get out of the tub. Do you see where I’m going with this?
What I’m saying is, there isn’t just a switch I can turn off in my brain to make me not be sad anymore, or feel worthless, pathetic, and whiny.
Trust me, I wish there was a switch. I’d flip that bitch so hard Benjamin Franklin himself would regret discovering electricity as a form of energy. I’d give my left foot to be able to just wake up and say, “I’m happy today!” Instead, I never know when this feeling will hit. It’s so unpredictable that it causes two things:
The first is the social stigma from your friends and family. “Oh, Neeli’s in one of her moods today,” as if to say, “Well, I wanted medium rare but I got well done.” They prefer you as someone they once knew, but what they don’t know is that you’re not that person anymore. Because you lost her.
The second is the inevitable feeling that everyone is out to get you and you, being proactive rather than reactive, choose to avoid all social situations for the fear that “mood” might strike today. Sorry, Satan, but you can’t get in my head today because it’s filled with dreams. Literal dreams, because my ass is asleep.
Living in a depressed state is like living in an internal Hell. You always have these lists of things that you will do, but you never actually do them. That’s because doing something as simple as making your bed seems like such a huge, unattainable task. Your worst fears, including situations that don’t even seem rational or possible to someone without depression, become reality in your head. You see them as rational because all you have done is sit around and determined how, if the formula you created in your head is correct, this event is 100% completely and totally possible and, even more, that it is a certainty.
The truth is that I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like this is a nightmare and I’ll just wake up from it in the morning, only the morning comes and it isn’t a dream. I reach out for help and am shot down, so now I’m where I’ll just let it out on my blog and hope it will push me in the right direction.
If you take anything from this post, I want it to be something you’ve heard plenty of times but maybe it has never registered. Be kind to others, as everyone is fighting an invisible battle.