I haven’t been feeling like myself lately.
The outgoing, fun-loving Neeli has essentially disappeared and been replaced with a worrisome, grouchy, and stressed out Neeli and, honestly, I don’t like the bitch. Have you noticed my over-a-month-long hiatus from my blog? Well, I’ve had zero inspiration, motivation, or desire. Essentially, I’ve sloped into what I am self-diagnosing as- you guessed it- depression.
Several months ago, Chris and I talked about what was going on within me and about general happiness. After a few weeks of intense discussion and thought, we decided we wanted to make a big life change and relocate to California.
Yeah, you read that right.
I know it seems extreme to relocate from one side of the country to the other for what some may view as just a change of scenery, but I put a lot of thought into my proposal before I even mentioned it to Chris. In short, although the cost of living is much higher in California, studies have shown people are generally much happier there. There’s more opportunity, better jobs, better education, and (yeah) it’s freakin’ California.
Well, as my luck would normally have it, our plan fell flat when Chris was offered a job that he would be very stupid to turn down. The downside of it (for me, at least) was that the job was right here in Alabama.
So, because I had seemingly already mentally prepared for a California transition, realizing I was going to be forced to stay where I’m at made me want to do three things: (1) cry (2) eat (3) sleep.
I would say I am over it, but I’m not. I had my hopes up and they were crushed. Really, I don’t think it was just the fact that I wanted to move to California, but rather that I just need a change. I mean, I’m a Gemini and it’s in my nature.
The fact of the matter is, I know I wasn’t born to just go to work and pay bills.
I know I wasn’t meant to sit at a desk for eight hours, pumping away at a keyboard to make sure other people get paid. I know I wasn’t meant to answer phone calls and handle schedules for other people the rest of my life. No, not that. I was born for more than that.
I was born for adventure. For curiosity. For travel. For exploration. For learning. For experiencing.
Because I’m not able to do any of that right at this moment, I had to have at least a little bit of change. I decided the best way to accomplish that in a short amount of time was to go blonde.
The initial change was pretty awesome, but after a week or two, the “newness” wore off. Every time I would look in the mirror, I would see someone else- not me. Who was this girl staring back at me? I don’t even know who she is anymore. She has lost her perk, her smile, her wittiness, her talent, her happiness, her soul, and even her being.
Is this what it would have been like if we would have gone to California? Would I have been happy for a week, a month, or even a year before I decided it was a huge mistake? We’ll never know, I guess, but I hate to live my life not knowing. I don’t like the questions to be left unanswered or the experiences to be untouched. I think it’s high time to stop pinning things for my bucket list and actually start completing it. One day at a time, little by little, ridding my life of the junk and non-necessities and rediscovering who I am, what I want to be, and where I intend to go.
Because I’m super old school, I’ll leave you with my favorite motto of all time:
& that’s exactly what I intend to do.